Rain rain go away, come again another day.

The dreary weather is doing nothing for me right now except make me want to crawl back into bed. I have formed this very annoying habit of waking up between the hours of 4:15-5:30 am every. single. morning. Sometimes a toothache, sometimes thirsty, sometimes no reason at all but if for some reason you need me at 5 in the morning, I'll be awake. Count on it. Which means I will actually and truly be crawling back into bed when I get off work today at 4. A record early finish for me on a Saturday (unless of course Jon calls me to cater...money would be nice). But I'm hoping he doesn't. I would like to get into my pjs, put in a movie, sort through my clothes slowly and deliberatly and begin packing for Seattle because, after all, we are flying out in a week. Maybe today's rain is preparing me for our vacation. I wouldn't mind. I would be perfectly content to sit by a fire somewhere with a coffee and a book. Here's to vacation. Here's to getting off early. Here's to the rain.

escape

i am planning my escape. i stand here working at the t-shirt shop literally hating every minute of it. i hate the people that walk in. i hate the shirts i'm folding. and i'm really, really not a big fan of this town. so, instead of dwelling in hatred, i'm going to plan my way out. i plan everything else why can't i plan this? i need a deadline - how about no sooner than 1 year from now (for ample preparation) and no more than 2 years from now (to not let myself get sucked into something else i can't leave). August 22nd 2011-2012 i'll be gone. finito. vanish. i'll need a new house, a new job and and a new city. i think it should be a city. the bigger it is the more options i have to get work and enjoy what i'm doing. i believe that my discontent experienced in the restaurant and now in the t-shirt shop is just a sign that this is not what i'm meant to do for the rest of my life. or even the rest of my 20's. every shirt i fold and every appointment i book or bed i make i will from this point forward consider it preparation and pennies earned to be put towards my departure. so if customers ask inanely stupid questions - that's ok. if i can't honestly go for 2 hours a day without getting a text or phone call from the spa asking me how to do something or to pick something up or yet ANOTHER idea or goal that i must research and complete, then you know what? that's ok, too. it's all making me appreciate my future contentment. i have no particular place picked out or job or home but it isn't here. i'm open to suggestions but know that i will not be here forever. i will very soon leave. day 1 starts now, 364-729 to go.

Thirsty

Greetings all. It has been weeks since my last post - much has happened and much is yet to happen. I woke up this morning at 6:11am to help H take coffee to a bride and her party and instead of going back to bed like I thought I would last night, I went home and went for a walk. It was a beautiful warm morning and for half of it, I turned off my iPod and prayed. I haven't prayed as regularly as I used to - maybe 4-5 times a week anymore but as soon as I did I felt better. It was a simple prayer, something along the lines of "Hey, God, how are ya? Thank you for everything, guide me and use me as you will". And then, I finished my walk, showered and went to Panera. I thought I would write, budget, research vacation spots but again I was surprised. I downloaded one of Mars Hill's podcasts and listened to Rob Bell's most recent sermons. A minute in, hearing his voice, and listening to scripture read was like finding the sought-after oasis in a desert. My soul was thirsty. I hope not to sound trite in this blog but I have been so busy, so worried about so many things and people and relationships and money that I have depleted my soul and body from the necessary. I drank deeply today and feel as if I might burst from the blessings and health, physically and spiritually that I now can see and feel that I couldn't before. I hope you find your water, the salve for your wounds and the nutrients needed so that you may find the greatest possible happiness in this short time we have here. I find it comforting to know that no matter where I go in life, how far away I may stray and stumble around in the darkness, I will always have that door, that entry into light that will never go away and never disappear. He will always be there waiting.

In another life...

If I had five choices for an alternate life I would be:


1. a writer

2. a jewelry designer

3. an heiress

4. an inn keeper

5. a chef

Three of these things I considered and even went to school for. The others are merely dreams.
I want(ed) to write to tell a story - put something out into the world so that my voice is heard and is not so easily lost. You see, I fear my own disappearance.
I have a very favorite tv show that I watched with my mom during my formative years - a show about a mother and daughter with the closest relationship you could ever imagine. The wildly independent mother owned an inn. Her life seemed idyllic.
I wanted to be a chef for nearly a decade - since I was 8. I love the presentation, the chemistry of flavor combinations, temperature effects, and new beginnings and potential every time you chop an onion or debone a chicken. It was the behind the scenes magic that drew me in.
I love jewelry. I love that in every nation and people group whether it be in the depths of the Amazon or the high court in England, the women adorn themselves with trinkets and jewels like so many birds that change colors during different seasons. I would love to produce hammered metal earrings, organic bead necklaces, wide leather cuffs, floral broaches and glittering rings.
As for being an heiress, I would love the freedom to travel, explore, eat, pray and be. I would love to be rid of the restraints of work and obligations and time dedicated to other things. This is my most selfish dream. A dream of freedom and carelessness. Do not think I am unwise to think it would be a cakewalk. Rich people have their problems too. But to travel, to release the monetary worries from my life I would have so much more time to think, to create, to pray.

My reality is that (with the exception of the heiress) I could have any of these things. I'm in limbo, a liminal space that is neither here nor there. I have a job but I don't believe it is my calling. I have an education but I'm not sure how that will play into what I will end up doing. Maybe I'll become all - portion out my life in segments where each dream can be realized, expereinces gleaned from them and left behind to seek out new opportunities and new lessons. I am still young. But I won't be young forever. Day by day but always looking toward the future.

Productive

Good morning! A new week has begun and here's to the possibilities. Trying to please. Trying to get it all done again. Vacation need to be worked out soon...I should do that today. Oh how I wish the sun would come out. It would make me want to be so much more productive. I was crazy productive yesterday and it felt so good to be in my apartment. I'm glad Mom is home. I wish you all a wonderful week with bright possibilities!

Coming forth.

What a weekend. I cannot believe how busy I was and that I am not at any moment about to pass out. I made it through. Don't think I'll do that again. I can work two jobs - but both of those jobs are done by 9pm - not midnight and later. Catering is great money, hell, SERVING is great money (J made 700 dollars last night in one shift, no, I'm not bitter). Even so, I prefer my sanity, morality, peace and balance. It is toxic there and the only reason I agreed to work for him is that it was off-site. Safe zone.

I have a great many things to do today. Groceries, laundry, cleaning, unpacking from housesitting. Mom and Hil return tomorrow. No more Chuck-watch. I'm ready to be home. I miss my apartment. I miss home. I want to sleep there, eat there, be there. I've missed my morning pages all weekend because I've been elsewhere, doing other things. It's been crazy. Hopefully worth it.

T-minus one hour and twenty two minutes until my day and a half off begins. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my time. I really feel selfish and want to spend it alone. I know that won't happen but how I wish it would.

I think I may try to write today/tonight. See what comes forth...?

new book

This new book I'm reading is amazing. Thank you, E. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel less lost, less alone in my confusion about my purpose. I am very excited about tonight - getting off at 8, running home to walk chuck for a block and running on the treadmill for a while to a movie. Some kind of healthy dinner to follow - maybe I'll cook some quinoa...so delicious. Work again all day tomorrow, let there be sun.