New layout

So, I am officially NOT a fan of this new layout. It is cold, it is generic, and I feel as if I am missing some sort of connection to the page that once cradled my thoughts before sending them out for your few eyes to read. Which, probably means I will begin to post less, irritated with change, unable to accept any kind of thing that is different from what I have gotten used to. I am such a conundrum sometimes - all I can think about right now is the incredible change that is going to soon occur in my life when classes are over and all I think about is writing my thesis. And THEN another change will occur when school isn't even a part of my life at all - I will have a Masters. And even another THEN, I will be moving. To where you may ask? I have no idea, but that's ok. It's going to be somewhere far away and lovely. However, there are some things that are going to change that I fear. I fear that I will not be able to stick to the structure of a designated time to write. I fear that I won't move away as soon as I want to and I'll get locked into serving for years (which is in effect another fear of change - a fear that if I try something new, like writing, I may fail). So many fears, so many plans, so many hopes. What are you hoping for today?

So close

My eyes feel so heavy, they droop lower with each line I read. I went in to work for a sick girl last night and was out until 1:30...which didn't truly give me the rest I needed for an 8am training session and then marathon study afternoon. I am making progress but still feel as if there is so much to get done before beginning a long, long weekend of work. Three doubles in a row, Friday, Saturday and Sunday beginning at 6:30 and surely ending close to 2am...I pray for a break in between - of at least two hours or so to either rest, take a walk, or eat. I will be fine - I've had practically this entire week off. But of course, it is now crunch time for school and even this brief and gifted 7 minutes away from the texts on literacy and autobiography theory feels like a cool shower or a soft down pillow cradling my weary head. I hope you all have a lovely weekend. This will probably be my last post for a few days...

Chilled

I woke up this morning earlier than I normally do on Tuesdays. Tuesdays are generally my days off - a day where I sleep until almost ten, attend a torture session with our personal trainer and then meander the day away either shopping, catching up on homework, getting out of town for a minute or on my most indulgent days...nap for hours. But this day I have planned many things because I know that I have days this week that are also free and without work until Friday. So I decided to get up early and begin by writing and reflecting on what hopes I have for this day...

-Personal training in an hour
-A healthy and hearty breakfast
-Grocery shopping
-Mail in state taxes (gross)
-Meeting with professor to discuss direction for thesis and hopefully gain an insight into why I am unable to secure a third reader!!!!
-Complete outline for Thursday's presentation
-Revise the many drafts I have that will be due in a few short weeks
-Have dinner with a lovely friend and pick her brain for an "expertise" for another final paper - looking forward to what this paper will be.
-Bed early...

The sky is rippled with overcast today, the wind is strong and on it blows a harsh chill. Our midwestern weather does not disappoint in its tendency to be unpredictable, fair and then harsh and more often coming in like a lamb and out like a lion and sometimes brings about the personalities of ostriches and billy goats. I am grateful for the cold and clouds though, it keeps my mind from wandering and wishing I could be out lying belly up in the sun, daydreaming and warming myself on the beach.

Glorious Free Time

I do so enjoy the days when I take advantage of my free time. I slept in until 9:45 today, meandered into the shower listening to music and then saw a hasty text to meet my mother and sister for breakfast - to which I quickly went. After beginning my first half of the meal as the finished their last, I was left alone to enjoy my coffee, get my upcoming work schedule and found myself here, at Barnes and Noble, getting the many things I have to do done. I work in a little less than two hours and have checked a great many of my to-do's off of my list. It's such a great feeling and cannot wait until my list is comprised of not much more than working on my thesis and enjoying the beauty of the warm summer. I can't wait to catch up on "fun" reading, movies, tv shows and many walks and activities spent outside. It's going to be a glorious summer and I am truly blessed to be able to enjoy so much free time - even with two jobs and a full load in school.

Getting it all done

All the necessary steps are beginning to be taken for the next phase in my life. Before, I would merely have to purchase the textbooks, read a few chapters and make sure I had some scrap of unscribbled paper to take notes on in class. Now, as I enter the part of my education where I write my thesis...I am finding myself drafting proposals, gathering and conferring with reading committees, writing countless emails and researching how my little, insignificant ideas can be placed in the world of literature and writing out there. I feel both more important and adult-like and at the same time childish and wandering around in a vast new arena with rules I don't yet know.

My goals are vague but I know that I have some. I suppose all I have left to do now is keep working on my studies and simultaneously attempt to move my project forward. Draft, revise and revise again.

I hope you are all well. Perhaps I'll take a day away, drive to my old school to be inspired by the changing and growing trees, and feel the peace that will come knowing my sole purpose there will be to write.

The Life of a Writer

Coming up with just a few short weeks (6 to be exact) until I am done with classes I have begun thinking about what is next. I have to write and complete and defend a thesis (of which I have written none nor written my proposal) but essentially I am looking at a summer filled with working, writing, and preparing to make the great leap of moving away for a short or possibly long time. We still have not picked a place but that doesn't bother me. I feel as if wherever we do go will be an adventure and I have no problem moving back home should it not work out. I have burned no bridges.

But I have been asked, more and more, every day, what I am going to do when I finish my degree. This question almost feels as if it is my final exam, my ultimate test to graduate with a Master's. It's as if to earn this, I must know what to do with it. That is simply not the case. Finding the time to write even this simple blog is a challenge and I don't even have any readers! (except you Mom and Dad, hello.) But I do have high hopes for what my life is going to look like not only after I complete my classes and final papers, but what it will look like when I move somewhere new. Naturally I will find a job, either in my field or out of it, but I believe my great, grand, magnificent answer to all those wondering faces is that what I intend to do - is live my life and write about it. I want to have the time and freedom to try and get published and from what I've heard and read - that is a job in and of itself. So, if it means I need to work in a Starbucks or some restaurant or something somewhere that will pay the bills and have the freedom to leave work at work and come home to write and submit - then that's what I'm going to do.

And I think, honestly, that's the reason I want to move away. I am not a fan of the Midwest, true, but the winters aren't all that bad. This town isn't all that dull. It's just not as inspiring. And I know myself, if I stayed, I would work constantly. Having two jobs again, I would end up working six days a week, dawn til dusk. And to NOT do that is what I've been saving for. Of course I'll work wherever I go, but I also want to have days off, nights off, weekends off, to observe my surroundings and what those surroundings are doing and stirring in my soul. I want to write about that. I want to write about being displaced and actively experiencing the unfamiliar. There is a familiar face on every corner and I already know their stories here. I want to meet new faces and have the opportunity to envision their stories without already knowing them. It's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. But it's going to be worth it if I can get even one experience, one story, one glimmer of inspiration and at the very least AFFIRMATION that I was able to get out, leave, move out on my own. So let the official count-down begin. In roughly six months I hope to be packing up, heading out, looking sharply around every corner for inspiration and hope of something magnificent.

Selfish

Today I am spending my hours selfishly. I do not work today. I do not have class today. I have no plans. There is a bit of homework to be completed but not too terribly much that it will be a bother.

I started out with yoga, coffee, and a bagel. Now the strings of Adele, Duffy and Nora Jones are crooning through my laptop speakers, weaving in and out of the bands of sunlight streaming in between the living room window's blinds. It is a beautiful day. Perhaps I'll pack a picnic, go to the park, and sit and eat under the trees. Allergies be damned, I will reenact those lovely days eating outside in Grant Park in London, gloriously alone, without guilt trips or obligations.

Today I will be selfish.

Today I am off the grid.