Jury's still out

Good morning! Enjoying Seattle-bought coffee, chicken apple sausage and almond butter/honey wheat waffles. MMMM. It's 11:07am, January 1, 2011. There have been a lot of ups and downs this year and the jury's still out on whether or not the good outweighed the bad. Perhaps its best not to judge, but celebrate what was good. So here are a few things looking back that I truly enjoyed:

1. Finally visited Seattle - and it was as incredible as we dreamed it would be.
2. Discovered again my love for learning, my fall class awakened why I love literature.
3. Reconnected with my brother, here's to a year of nurturing that relationship.
4. Celebrated my very first anniversary with a boy. Another example of ups and downs but I'm glad I'm beginning this year with him.
5. Fell in love with cooking again.
6. Joined a gym I love.
7. Quit a job. One of the biggest struggles of the year but the final decision will result in my greatest happiness.
8. Found my biggest fault and since then, tried everyday to tell the truth and not embellish on others faults To hide my own.
9. Started blogging!
10. Embraced the not so silly dream of making jewelry. Intend to take a class this spring.


There is so much more but time will not allow. I hope you all had an amazing 2010 and although the good may not outweigh the bad, it's our attitude towards the whole that makes us eager to leap into the next year! So on the count of three:
One, two, three, JUMP!

Heavy Clouds

So tired today. It was like I was under a constant weighted cloud all day. It was a stupid-slow day at work and all I wanted to do was sleep and write. Unluckily, the computer there blocks all the fun sites - like blogspot.com... So I waited until now. Most of my inspiration is gone and customers keep trickling in. I can't wait to have many days next week off. It won't seem real but I definitely am looking forward to it. J and I were planning on running to Chicago for the night but remembering the cold and our lack or willingness to brave it I think we'll be pulling a few movie marathons. Maybe Mom will be up for an IKEA trip though...
The gym is calling my name, I feel so much better after. Anything to pull me out of these winter doldrums. Glad it's going to be an early night though. Home by 9, bed by 1030 if I'm lucky. Time to find some fun recipes to cook over break and set aside at least a few hours by myself at home or elsewhere truly giving it a go at writing. I also plan on working my way through "The Artist's Way" as my creativity goal for 2011. I'm taking a writing class as well so perhaps I'll become a fount of words this time next year. A jewelry class was also suggested...Weird. All this writing is like a trip to the gym. I wake up, my mood elevates and I am inspired to do so much more. What inspires you? (lame, I know, but that's a question that will always endure)

death

my grandmother died last night.


it shook me like I didn't think was possible. Sis and I have only ever experienced death when her husband, our grandfather, died 10 years ago. We were too young to grasp the volatile nature of life and death. Now, it's someone we know. Someone that won't open their eyes or speak another word ever again - or at least until the next chapter of this thing we call life.


going to make a very long drive. i would assume we would reminisce and think back on all our fond memories of her but right now I can't think of anything. I was 11 when we moved away and never really went back for holidays or anything special. she stopped calling to say happy birthday when I was 15 or so. I never called her on her birthday.


sis and i found really great dresses for the funeral though. shallow though it may be, these people haven't seen me since I was an overweight, awkward teenager. still overweight but I'd like to think I'm not nearly as awkward.


it doesn't feel real that we'll be four states down in 30 hours or so. at least we'll be out of the cold for a day.


why does everything happen at once?


i guess i should start preparing what i'll say about my life. it isn't much but it will be more than they've heard in a while. all our stories will be.

Left Behind

Why I am being left behind so much recently? I hate it. I'm the one that is supposed to go, travel, visit, depart, LEAVE, not you! I want to go to Chicago. I want to go to Ann Arbor. I want to go to a fucking movie! It's not fair you get to go! You didn't earn it! You don't deserve that freedom! I DO!


But I don't. I did this to myself. I obligated myself to another second job. Why is it so hard? Why is life so expensive? Why can't I just have one job? Everyone else around me does - I'm literally the only person I can think of that works as much as I do. I hate it, I really do. I quit UK because I started hating the people enjoying omelets on Sundays and I had to work. NOW, I'm hating anyone that isn't sitting behind a desk (and sometimes even them too because they don't have another job to go to once they've clocked out of that one). I hate people in stores, in cars, at restaurants, in bars, standing on street corners holding a sign, my sister making crafts all day and getting a massage. I'm filled with hate, my account balances are higher than they've been but where's the fucking joy? Why did I leave one job to have more freedom only to immediately jump into another? Money? Seriously? I don't need it!

So, obvious answer, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Sis and I are going to go to UK tomorrow for breakfast and I'm going to take away Saturdays and Wednesdays from my availability. I'll work Sundays, Thursdays and Fridays. That's more than enough. I will have every Tuesday/Wednesday night off and all day Saturday. It will restore my sanity and affect my wallet in no significant way.

I will try my hand at jewelry.
I will write everyday.
I will become healthier.

I will have the time.

A little bit of Everything.

Finally Friday. Another 3+ hours of work and a much dreaded/needed visit to the gym. It's literally been weeks - just couldn't muster the energy. BUT THEN - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1!! Pretty excited even though I can't for the life of me remember what the last book was all about...hope to catch on soon enough. Quiet night at the store, blessing after an annoying day at the spa. She just can't ever let up. Always picking at something. It must mean I am always learning something - that's the hope anyway. It's cold again. Brr...
Looking forward to Saturday evening. I think I'd like to go out to dinner and get a nice bottle of wine. That sounds pleasant and relaxing (even though I should solely be devoting my time and energy to my paper..it will get done..it always does). Would it be wrong to avoid the gym until after the holidays and I revert back to only 1 time- and energy-consuming job? No, I must go. 30 minutes will not take long, 30 minutes in fact. More later.

My Corner.

I'm in my little corner. It's an awkward position - it's on my kitchen counter, leaning on the cabinets, feet propped against the fridge. But right now, it's my corner. I'm not working in my corner. I'm not being a sister/daughter/girlfriend in my corner. I'm not studying in my corner. I'm not budgeting in my corner. I am being in my corner. The world is around me but I am separate from it.


I'm not truly separate. I can still hear the washer washing my clothes that I will need to put in the dryer in 10-20. I can hear Jamie coming through the door. My back hurts from working all morning. I have the residue of emotion from the long, intense conversation I had tonight. I have to deal. But I really just want to stay in this corner.

Staycation v. Vacation

Red and white lights on the lightposts outside. It must be the holidays. 3 jobs. Dear oh dear. Tomorrow will be my 17th day in a row between the three and the next one scheduled off happens to be Thanksgiving - another 15 days away making is a solid 32 in a row. I'm doing ok though, no hallucinations or fits of narcolepsy yet. No time to exercise or cook for fun though. I think I should go somewhere in January - before school starts or the weekend of the first week of class if that's possible...where though? I wish somewhere warm wasn't hundreds of dollars and hours away. Maybe a staycation is what I need. Hole up post-holidays, eat leftovers, sleep and write for a few days. I'll need to buy a robe... Or I can just use some of all of this money I'm making working myself to death to just hop a plane solo and hide out on some beach somewhere for 2 days, eat tropical fruit, sleep and write. That's a nice thought. I'll still need a robe...