Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Heavy Clouds

So tired today. It was like I was under a constant weighted cloud all day. It was a stupid-slow day at work and all I wanted to do was sleep and write. Unluckily, the computer there blocks all the fun sites - like So I waited until now. Most of my inspiration is gone and customers keep trickling in. I can't wait to have many days next week off. It won't seem real but I definitely am looking forward to it. J and I were planning on running to Chicago for the night but remembering the cold and our lack or willingness to brave it I think we'll be pulling a few movie marathons. Maybe Mom will be up for an IKEA trip though...
The gym is calling my name, I feel so much better after. Anything to pull me out of these winter doldrums. Glad it's going to be an early night though. Home by 9, bed by 1030 if I'm lucky. Time to find some fun recipes to cook over break and set aside at least a few hours by myself at home or elsewhere truly giving it a go at writing. I also plan on working my way through "The Artist's Way" as my creativity goal for 2011. I'm taking a writing class as well so perhaps I'll become a fount of words this time next year. A jewelry class was also suggested...Weird. All this writing is like a trip to the gym. I wake up, my mood elevates and I am inspired to do so much more. What inspires you? (lame, I know, but that's a question that will always endure)

Sunday, December 19, 2010


my grandmother died last night.

it shook me like I didn't think was possible. Sis and I have only ever experienced death when her husband, our grandfather, died 10 years ago. We were too young to grasp the volatile nature of life and death. Now, it's someone we know. Someone that won't open their eyes or speak another word ever again - or at least until the next chapter of this thing we call life.

going to make a very long drive. i would assume we would reminisce and think back on all our fond memories of her but right now I can't think of anything. I was 11 when we moved away and never really went back for holidays or anything special. she stopped calling to say happy birthday when I was 15 or so. I never called her on her birthday.

sis and i found really great dresses for the funeral though. shallow though it may be, these people haven't seen me since I was an overweight, awkward teenager. still overweight but I'd like to think I'm not nearly as awkward.

it doesn't feel real that we'll be four states down in 30 hours or so. at least we'll be out of the cold for a day.

why does everything happen at once?

i guess i should start preparing what i'll say about my life. it isn't much but it will be more than they've heard in a while. all our stories will be.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Left Behind

Why I am being left behind so much recently? I hate it. I'm the one that is supposed to go, travel, visit, depart, LEAVE, not you! I want to go to Chicago. I want to go to Ann Arbor. I want to go to a fucking movie! It's not fair you get to go! You didn't earn it! You don't deserve that freedom! I DO!

But I don't. I did this to myself. I obligated myself to another second job. Why is it so hard? Why is life so expensive? Why can't I just have one job? Everyone else around me does - I'm literally the only person I can think of that works as much as I do. I hate it, I really do. I quit UK because I started hating the people enjoying omelets on Sundays and I had to work. NOW, I'm hating anyone that isn't sitting behind a desk (and sometimes even them too because they don't have another job to go to once they've clocked out of that one). I hate people in stores, in cars, at restaurants, in bars, standing on street corners holding a sign, my sister making crafts all day and getting a massage. I'm filled with hate, my account balances are higher than they've been but where's the fucking joy? Why did I leave one job to have more freedom only to immediately jump into another? Money? Seriously? I don't need it!

So, obvious answer, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Sis and I are going to go to UK tomorrow for breakfast and I'm going to take away Saturdays and Wednesdays from my availability. I'll work Sundays, Thursdays and Fridays. That's more than enough. I will have every Tuesday/Wednesday night off and all day Saturday. It will restore my sanity and affect my wallet in no significant way.

I will try my hand at jewelry.
I will write everyday.
I will become healthier.

I will have the time.