Saturday, May 22, 2010

In another life...

If I had five choices for an alternate life I would be:

1. a writer

2. a jewelry designer

3. an heiress

4. an inn keeper

5. a chef

Three of these things I considered and even went to school for. The others are merely dreams.
I want(ed) to write to tell a story - put something out into the world so that my voice is heard and is not so easily lost. You see, I fear my own disappearance.
I have a very favorite tv show that I watched with my mom during my formative years - a show about a mother and daughter with the closest relationship you could ever imagine. The wildly independent mother owned an inn. Her life seemed idyllic.
I wanted to be a chef for nearly a decade - since I was 8. I love the presentation, the chemistry of flavor combinations, temperature effects, and new beginnings and potential every time you chop an onion or debone a chicken. It was the behind the scenes magic that drew me in.
I love jewelry. I love that in every nation and people group whether it be in the depths of the Amazon or the high court in England, the women adorn themselves with trinkets and jewels like so many birds that change colors during different seasons. I would love to produce hammered metal earrings, organic bead necklaces, wide leather cuffs, floral broaches and glittering rings.
As for being an heiress, I would love the freedom to travel, explore, eat, pray and be. I would love to be rid of the restraints of work and obligations and time dedicated to other things. This is my most selfish dream. A dream of freedom and carelessness. Do not think I am unwise to think it would be a cakewalk. Rich people have their problems too. But to travel, to release the monetary worries from my life I would have so much more time to think, to create, to pray.

My reality is that (with the exception of the heiress) I could have any of these things. I'm in limbo, a liminal space that is neither here nor there. I have a job but I don't believe it is my calling. I have an education but I'm not sure how that will play into what I will end up doing. Maybe I'll become all - portion out my life in segments where each dream can be realized, expereinces gleaned from them and left behind to seek out new opportunities and new lessons. I am still young. But I won't be young forever. Day by day but always looking toward the future.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Good morning! A new week has begun and here's to the possibilities. Trying to please. Trying to get it all done again. Vacation need to be worked out soon...I should do that today. Oh how I wish the sun would come out. It would make me want to be so much more productive. I was crazy productive yesterday and it felt so good to be in my apartment. I'm glad Mom is home. I wish you all a wonderful week with bright possibilities!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Coming forth.

What a weekend. I cannot believe how busy I was and that I am not at any moment about to pass out. I made it through. Don't think I'll do that again. I can work two jobs - but both of those jobs are done by 9pm - not midnight and later. Catering is great money, hell, SERVING is great money (J made 700 dollars last night in one shift, no, I'm not bitter). Even so, I prefer my sanity, morality, peace and balance. It is toxic there and the only reason I agreed to work for him is that it was off-site. Safe zone.

I have a great many things to do today. Groceries, laundry, cleaning, unpacking from housesitting. Mom and Hil return tomorrow. No more Chuck-watch. I'm ready to be home. I miss my apartment. I miss home. I want to sleep there, eat there, be there. I've missed my morning pages all weekend because I've been elsewhere, doing other things. It's been crazy. Hopefully worth it.

T-minus one hour and twenty two minutes until my day and a half off begins. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my time. I really feel selfish and want to spend it alone. I know that won't happen but how I wish it would.

I think I may try to write today/tonight. See what comes forth...?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

new book

This new book I'm reading is amazing. Thank you, E. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel less lost, less alone in my confusion about my purpose. I am very excited about tonight - getting off at 8, running home to walk chuck for a block and running on the treadmill for a while to a movie. Some kind of healthy dinner to follow - maybe I'll cook some delicious. Work again all day tomorrow, let there be sun.

Friday, May 7, 2010


Well, it's Friday, I survived my first real, full week of both jobs without school. I still work tomorrow and Sunday but I feel good. I'm not exhausted, I'm in a good (well, sort of) mood, and am looking forward to the weekend. It's been a stormy, rainy day and these days I feel the most alive, the most creative. It's like the elements and weather are exhibiting their strength and power. The sky turned this murky, dark green today right before the clouds broke and let loose thousands of gallons of rain. The lightning struck and the thunder cracked and I was in heaven. My new goal for this summer is to write as if no one is reading. I want to open up and pour forth my thoughts and musings like the clouds did today with the rain. I'm sure there will be flooding of tears, maybe a few strikes of lightning even though I doubt mine will cause such a reaction as a call of thunder. Let's see what the summer will bring - let's see.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Breezy Sunday

Sometimes I really want to be a writer. I think I am just that selfish and lazy to think that I could potentially (attempt) to earn a living typing away at my laptop. Thousands, millions even have done it. Why can't I? Well...because my life and stories and thoughts aren't that intersting. Many times I bore myself. I picked up the phone and started texting and calling about ten different people to hang out last night. I hung up or erased the text every time because 1.) I should have been studying 2.) I was tired and 3.) because I couldn't think of anyone that wouldn't be doing something else already on a Saturday night. So I went home. I made dinner, watched the rain and hung out with Chuck. I don't even think he enjoyed my company as much as he would have if I were my Mom. What do I have to say that people would want to not only read, but PAY to read? I can't even bring myself to finish this term paper that's due in 72 hours. I am seriously considering turning it in half-completed and embracing the idea that I don't care to be a 4.0 student anymore. What does it matter? I'm booking appointments and folding t-shirts right now. This is not where I thought my life would end up and if I knew that it really didn't matter that I got near perfect grades in school I definitely would not have tried so hard. Because really, what DOES it matter? I'm just in a funk. I can't even appreciate the amazingly productive morning I had. Most Sundays I get up late, rush around, go to church exhausted and come to work. This morning, I got up at 830, hung out with Chuck, packed up stuff from Mom's to do laundry, did laundry, cleaned the apartment, went to the bank, at a healthy(ish) breakfast and came to work. That's productive! Oh well, I just need to be content with where I am. I really don't want to go to IUSB this fall. I really really don't.