Friday, January 29, 2010

Oh Ben, dear Jerry.

Really great day at work, saw some old friends (they look older too, time never stands still does it?), ate a piece of gifted pizza, and an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. I wouldn't dare justify my incredibly sloth-like behavior today also having not gone to the gym, but it was frozen yogurt and not the traditional B&J's. So, instead of consuming the 1500 calories a normal pint has, I only had 720 (Oh dear Lord). I love listening to good music and sliding into clean sheets. IceFest is tomorrow, can't wait to see the carvings! But, must go to bed as I am needing to get up extra early so that I can get to the bank before work at 10. Maybe a workout before? Am I that ambitious?
Have a great weekend everyone!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

new start

ok mom, so, yes, a lot of my posts are depressing. Not too many of them have a sense of hope or jubilation or glee. Admittedly, most of the time when I blog, I'm venting, writing out what's freaking me out or letting loose the problems that are running around in my head like a freaking chihuahua on speed. However, good things happen, I am happy most days. I'm just a youth, an infant on the grand scheme of things and I'm learning, I have so much that I pile upon myself that I feel like I'm acting more of a grown-up and stressed-out person than I really am. So, a little late but new year's resolution: be more positive. I want to be a pleasant person to be around. I know I am at work, it's hard not to be. I could be more optimistic with H. but because she's part of my home space she witnesses some of my home freakouts (and I think she's alright with that, hope so anyway). I vent to you, Mom, about money because of anyone I feel like you get that stress. But, like I said, good things happen.

Good things (and in no particular order):

1. Loan - it is scheduled to be disbursed as early as tomorrow. I have the opportunity to pay things off and breath easier when my job doesn't cut it.

2. Job - it is a good thing. My bosses are amazing and it's easy as pie. Even if I'm making less than half of what I made at UK, I do not have the stress of food and incompetent bosses and dramatic coworkers.

3. J. - He's nice to have around sometimes.

4. Living with H. in an amazing apartment - we do have a beautiful home. I love to clean it and the fact that I can do laundry anytime I want and a dishwasher and my own bathroom and close to work. Living with H. is the best, can't remember the last time we fought and she's not often there so I have my alone time. When she is there and it's "sister time" I couldn't be happier. She's great to catch up with.

5. School - Well, I hope to learn something. It's early yet but at least I can say I am making steady progress towards my goal of having a career and not just a job.

6. Vacations (however short) with Mom.

7. The fact that Saint Mary's is still living up to my expectation of the dumbest school in the midwest by still allowing me, 2 years since having taken a class or paid them a dime, to use their gym and library and internet and parking.

8. My dear, dear friends E. and K. They make me very happy at least once a week.

9. The idea that this is the start of a new year. The page is blank, the road is long and the world is my proverbial oyster. I have confidence that I will fit into a routine. I want that so badly. School, work, rinse and repeat. The snow will melt, the sky will color blue leaving the gray. The money will always come and go but my ability to use it wisely will strengthen. My communication skills will improve. My waist WILL shrink. (Not this week though, will still exercise but I can't be held responsible for what I eat...) I will travel far again. I will see other places beyond my front door. I am built to travel and forever full of wanderlust.

Enough, enough now. Too many good things. I must return to studying so that I can get to bed at a decent hour thereby adhering to my coveted routine!

Bon nuit, a tout a l'heure!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


"Please, remember me/Happily/By the rosebush laughing/With bruises on my chin/The time when/We counted every black car passing/Your house beneath the hill/And up until/Someone caught us in the kitchen/With maps, a mountain range,/A piggy bank/A vision too removed to mention"

Iron & Wine "Trapeze Swinger" lyrics - one of my favorite bands of all time. I want to be remembered happily. I want to make grand plans to escape and have a "vision" that is removed from possibility. I'm tired. Disenchanted and disillusioned is all I can muster. I am not enchanted and all illusions are now transparent. I do not belong in the service industry. I do not belong in retail. I either belong in school forever teaching and learning or in an inn, where I can give comfort to those staying but assuredly leaving and say what goes. I want control. I want definition. I want a normal sleep schedule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to be alone. When I am alone and say I wish I had someone, I don't think I really mean it or if I do, I didn't mean this. I am so tired of talking and figuring out and working 7 days a week to make half of what I did. Integrity yes, but it's exhausting. I love that I'm working out now and feel like I have drive to do that. School is going to be and already is great. Just let me go to school and exercise. I don't need to do anything else. I'm just an impatient person. (and clearly a rambling person too). I wish the money would get here, I wish my career would get here, I wish my perfect body would get here, I wish God would get here and I would meet him. I feel like crying. I feel like running away. I always feel like running away. Will I ever want to stay? Keep moving V, keep going. I will become healthy, I will get out of debt, I will get my masters and Ph.D. and find a career. I will find someone that will make me happy and I will find someone that I am equally into. Please, please remember me V. Remember this unhapppy person when you spend more than you have. When you find a job. When you find a man. When you find God. Remember me so that you are no longer me. Remember me.

"Please, remember me/Finally/And all my uphill clawing/My dear/But if I make/The pearly gates/Do my best to make a drawing/Of G-d and Lucifer/A boy and girl/An angel kissin on a sinner/A monkey and a man/A marching band/All around the frightened trapeze swingers"

Friday, January 15, 2010

money, magazines, and more

more than I expected. I got WAY more than I ever expected. Thanks God. I really hope it works out like I think it will.

I love reading magazines as much as I hate it. Everything is so glossy and perfect and unreal. I am literally rereading this and that statement really is as vapid as it sounds...Things are super inspiring - weight loss guides, diets, quick tricks, dresses, shoes, makeup and vacation hot-spots. It's all so glamorous and easy and beautiful. If only real life were like __________ (fill in the blank). Things are awesome for me though. The boy is out, the money is coming in, job is going great and, well, I'm not losing weight or really making an effort at all even though I KNOW I should, seriously, it can't be that hard. I am getting a belly, well, the belly that I already clearly had is expanding at an exponential rate... Like I always say, tomorrow.

Boys are stupid though, (sorry dad) but I hope that like Bridgit Jones says, one day men will be like house pets - kept to comfort and amuse but beyond that, they have no voice, no rights, and they sleep on the floor...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

foul mood. please let it get better.