escape

"Please, remember me/Happily/By the rosebush laughing/With bruises on my chin/The time when/We counted every black car passing/Your house beneath the hill/And up until/Someone caught us in the kitchen/With maps, a mountain range,/A piggy bank/A vision too removed to mention"

Iron & Wine "Trapeze Swinger" lyrics - one of my favorite bands of all time. I want to be remembered happily. I want to make grand plans to escape and have a "vision" that is removed from possibility. I'm tired. Disenchanted and disillusioned is all I can muster. I am not enchanted and all illusions are now transparent. I do not belong in the service industry. I do not belong in retail. I either belong in school forever teaching and learning or in an inn, where I can give comfort to those staying but assuredly leaving and say what goes. I want control. I want definition. I want a normal sleep schedule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to be alone. When I am alone and say I wish I had someone, I don't think I really mean it or if I do, I didn't mean this. I am so tired of talking and figuring out and working 7 days a week to make half of what I did. Integrity yes, but it's exhausting. I love that I'm working out now and feel like I have drive to do that. School is going to be and already is great. Just let me go to school and exercise. I don't need to do anything else. I'm just an impatient person. (and clearly a rambling person too). I wish the money would get here, I wish my career would get here, I wish my perfect body would get here, I wish God would get here and I would meet him. I feel like crying. I feel like running away. I always feel like running away. Will I ever want to stay? Keep moving V, keep going. I will become healthy, I will get out of debt, I will get my masters and Ph.D. and find a career. I will find someone that will make me happy and I will find someone that I am equally into. Please, please remember me V. Remember this unhapppy person when you spend more than you have. When you find a job. When you find a man. When you find God. Remember me so that you are no longer me. Remember me.

"Please, remember me/Finally/And all my uphill clawing/My dear/But if I make/The pearly gates/Do my best to make a drawing/Of G-d and Lucifer/A boy and girl/An angel kissin on a sinner/A monkey and a man/A marching band/All around the frightened trapeze swingers"