Wednesday, January 20, 2010


"Please, remember me/Happily/By the rosebush laughing/With bruises on my chin/The time when/We counted every black car passing/Your house beneath the hill/And up until/Someone caught us in the kitchen/With maps, a mountain range,/A piggy bank/A vision too removed to mention"

Iron & Wine "Trapeze Swinger" lyrics - one of my favorite bands of all time. I want to be remembered happily. I want to make grand plans to escape and have a "vision" that is removed from possibility. I'm tired. Disenchanted and disillusioned is all I can muster. I am not enchanted and all illusions are now transparent. I do not belong in the service industry. I do not belong in retail. I either belong in school forever teaching and learning or in an inn, where I can give comfort to those staying but assuredly leaving and say what goes. I want control. I want definition. I want a normal sleep schedule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to be alone. When I am alone and say I wish I had someone, I don't think I really mean it or if I do, I didn't mean this. I am so tired of talking and figuring out and working 7 days a week to make half of what I did. Integrity yes, but it's exhausting. I love that I'm working out now and feel like I have drive to do that. School is going to be and already is great. Just let me go to school and exercise. I don't need to do anything else. I'm just an impatient person. (and clearly a rambling person too). I wish the money would get here, I wish my career would get here, I wish my perfect body would get here, I wish God would get here and I would meet him. I feel like crying. I feel like running away. I always feel like running away. Will I ever want to stay? Keep moving V, keep going. I will become healthy, I will get out of debt, I will get my masters and Ph.D. and find a career. I will find someone that will make me happy and I will find someone that I am equally into. Please, please remember me V. Remember this unhapppy person when you spend more than you have. When you find a job. When you find a man. When you find God. Remember me so that you are no longer me. Remember me.

"Please, remember me/Finally/And all my uphill clawing/My dear/But if I make/The pearly gates/Do my best to make a drawing/Of G-d and Lucifer/A boy and girl/An angel kissin on a sinner/A monkey and a man/A marching band/All around the frightened trapeze swingers"

1 comment:

  1. I wish that you have moved forward from here.
    I am sad that you are sad.
    You are my heart and always will be.
    Even when you are far away.
    There has to be something more, something brighter for the two of us.