here's to the new

A new year is just a few days away. Things are attempting, trying, making and "effort" at getting done but we'll see. Stupid holidays. really they are very fun but they interfere with things that adults need to get done - like banking and jobs and offices and rentals!!!!! I mean really, we all have to keep living our lives, why the heck can't they let us? I read a Lobster and Swan blog today (v. good by the way if you haven't read it) and she is so hopeful and positive and just cool. She said something that stuck out - "will next year be even better?". That is something that I would like to be able to say next year, instead of "will next year be AT ALL better?" or "well, I survived this year, how much worse can it get?". I keep telling myself, especially in this blog, that it will all work out and everything will be fine. this year will be great, I will be working toward my masters, I will be working at a job that is steady and reliable and seemingly devoid of drama. I will become healthier. Oh hazarding writing a plethora of resolutions I will go get coffee. here's to an EVEN BETTER next year!
V

carrying hearts.

crazy crazy crazy. that's all my life has been and will be for the next couple of weeks/months. new job, new school, new career path, new boy. man oh man, I need an equilibrium, a solid place. i think that's the role my mom and sister play. sis tonight was so great, put everything into perspective and what was scary is now exciting, what was suffocating is now manageable. she. is. amazing. so tired, work tomorrow and everyday after that. dear Lord let it all be fine. night, dark world, see you in the bright daylight.

friends, with money

dear friends, K and E. We all go through such turbulent times - I wish things weren't going poorly for at least one of us in the group at a time. Such is life. It snowed today, the pretty, fluffy snow that makes you want to take a walk; wrap up in a warm pea coat, pull on tall boots and socks, and walk with your face to the sky welcoming the soft flakes on your face.

Money is finally working itself out - I think. I know God's got this, and I'm worrying less (or at least making a valiant effort to try) and it would seem that I'll be fine this weekend, and the next. Just hoping it will all happen once I consolidate my credit cards - may need help with that (M&D) but here's hoping I won't. Maybe people will be so filled with the Christmas spirit that they will just throw money at me this weekend and next!! Really, just need to get through until the 11th. After that it will all be JUST FINE!!!! I'm surviving, I'm knocking the debt down, one bill at a time. A steady paycheck is going to be so nice as soon as I can budget it in, figure out how to plan for things. Breathe in, breathe out - it's all going to work out.

solitaire - not the game

I feel like such a terrible cliche. I'm a struggling graduate who decides to go back to school to not only push back loans, but to figure out what I'm to do with my life. And as much as I say it out loud and as much as my dear mother tells me it will all be fine, there is always help to be had, I still worry. I can't seem to not worry. I write numbers and dates and deadlines like some sort of schizophrenic or that deranged character Jim Carey played in "23". Except for it all adding up or dividing down or multiply to the number 23, mine all points to DEBT. But, all I can keep telling myself is it's just this month - this transition period - THE HOLIDAYS. I'm going ice-skating tomorrow with the girls and their boys. I would like a boy - J has decided to move here (that's right Mom, he texted me tonight). Who knows what will happen there - I've decided to be open to all things. But we'll see.

I have to work in the morning and a great many errands after - thank God I'm not sick like I thought I would be today! Sis told me tonight she's going to want to sign another year - I don't know how I feel about that. Really good but do I want to live with a ghost for another year cherishing the hour a week that we hang out? I suppose it could be worse - I could be twice what I'm paying now to live alone or live with someone I hate.

"this is not like home"

drowning

there are calls ringing in my ears, papers and numbers and black and red ink seeping into my pores and nostrils and eyes, my breath is catching in my chest and I can't swim, I can't reach the surface, there is no light. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to or the questions to ask. I am drowning. my legs and arms are so heavy they can barely keep moving. The efforts I make don't matter, my attempts to reach the surface are not enough, I am moving upwards but do not break the surface. I am pulled down again, month after month, bill after bill. I am scared every second of being lost, sinking into destitution. I can't find the preserver, the rope, the cliff's edge. I am lost. Help.

changes

it is cold out. frigid, blistering, numbingly cold. that has changed. I worked at a clothing store tonight and left without cash in my hand. there is another change. I am now crazy excited about the uncertainty of my future. I can open an inn, a restaurant, another LIG store, be a professor, an editor, a journalist, a writer. My feelings about uncertainty have changed. I worry about money everyday. That has not changed. however, my ability to gradually and steadily make more money while having a life has. I can start going to church again (YEA!), I can have a social life (not that it was difficult with UK's hours before but this is better - Saturday night can be late because we don't open until 5!!!). Even though I will be making SO MUCH LESS than I did at UK, it's all going to be ok. God has me in His hands. I am so small and so helpless and by being able to fit into His very HAND makes him big enough, strong enough and wise enough that He will figure this out for me. Weird, leaving UK makes me instantly feel more faithful, more trusting, more at peace with how the world is and my place in it. stupid J. Oh please Jesus let me make enough this weekend and next to pay my bills. I know He will but oh the worry!!!

brrrrrrrrrrrr

i love that even writing out "brrrrrrrrrrrr" mimics the look of how it sounds - like the r's are tripping over themselves and shivering into vibrations. It was such a cold day/night and it's going to be even colder tomorrow morning! oh dear - do not want to work at 6 in the morning but definitely DO NOT want to be late on rent again. I just need another 427.99. I can totally make that this weekend ESPECIALLY since I picked up an opening shift tomorrow - WHEW - and whatever else I make on top of that - more bills paid off. LIG was amazing today - def decided to leave UK tonight. scary scary thought but I feel like it's the right thing to do. please dear Jesus let this be the right thing to do. please let me make that this weekend! oh please oh please - stress stress stress. HATE IT!!!

New Day

The sun shone through my eastward window this morning with a white light. Through the curtain it looked like the moon or some other-world sun. It was a winter sun, giving light but not warmth. It is a new day. I start a new job today. Luck. I go to my old job as well. A new day...we'll see.

conflicted

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. What to do??? I will work at LG - but what else? I still haven't heard anything from S, that's stressing me out and J decided to be a human tonight which sucks because I hate to be that person that says "Hey guys, I'm quitting - new job, blah blah blah" and then renig completely - oh never mind, fake-out. Ugh, stupid economy and bills and comfort levels and U.K.!!!!!!! I just need a sign - a God-thing that tells me exactly what to do and how to do it. I want to go to school this January - I need something to occupy my mind/defer loans. I need to make money because I am sick of being in debt. I want savings. I want to take a vacation. I want to cancel all of my credit cards. I want EXCELLENT credit. I want to buy a house and fix it up and make it my own. I want to go back to church. I want a boyfriend. please dear God, show me the way. make my life beautiful and full. I'm fine with stress and bad days and hard times but I would like something nice to happen, something joyful. tis the season, right?

surprise

it is amazing how some people can surprise and others can disappoint. I was given an incredibly generous gift this afternoon, something that I did not at all expect but greatly appreciate. This person, I do not know her well, really did do a very kind thing. It really sucks though because instead of being grateful for this kindness, all I can think is what I will be expected to do in return. I don't want to volunteer anymore but I feel as if I accept this gift I will feel obligated to. How horrible? To not be able to accept a gift without thinking what I owe in return? Isn't that the whole point of a gift? If that is in fact what it is...? Ugh, stop.

What a Headache

Yes, I do in fact have a real headache but also other headaches are occurring today as well. God did not heed my prayer and allow me to make a "ton of money" last night. He sent me 26 which does not a bill pay! I am now over 260 in debt to 1st source come monday. Woe is me. I plan on calling the new place of employment today and hoping to start as soon as possible, a few hours here and there until I can begin full time after the first of the year. It would be so nice to make at least 150 tonight, it probably won't happen but a girl can dream. I just want to avoid late fees again! Seriously though, debt sucks.

It is a very strange day, biting cold with blue skies interrupted by bleak grayness. There are no clouds, just a film of impending snow. A crazy lady sat outside today while Mom and I were sharing a cup of coffee and updates on our lives. She must have been seriously deranged because it can't be more than 15 degrees out. She even pulled out a book!

I do hope that someday, I will be in a place where dreams of travel, or nice dinners out or a new picture to hang on my wall does not seem like a distant impossibility. Luxuries such as pizza and beer after work are not something I can afford right now and that sucks. I dug my grave, credit card debt and expensive apartments, but I do hope I have the discipline to start making my way out. I don't want to remain in this place. I must must must stop spending frivolously. I just need to make it out of this weekend with what I need. That's all. If I can make enough to pay what I owe and not be behind or indebted to people (Joe and sis) for things I couldn't afford before I will be fine. Oh, that Sprint rebate would be so handy today! Please please God let it be in the mail today, PLEASE! This should really be a money blog, a place where I write so I don't spend! All I need is 399.67. That does not include what I owe Mom for insurance or Joe and sis for rent. I'm sure I can make that this weekend, I just need to make sure I can make it in time to not miss the bank taking it out. Seriously, people in China have the right idea - no banks, they pay everything in cash and up front. No credit, everything is theirs when they purchase it, free and clear. That would be nice.

Dream, dream, dream.

(sorry mom, nothing inspiring, kind of a bitch-fest, I'll try better next time!)

yuck

seriously gross day today. I went for a run/walk when I got home from oil change/pretty in pink/donuts/weird dog morning and it was just nasty. Cold, rain, sleet, wind. You name it, I was in it.

I'm so unbelievably out of shape it's actually funny. As in, you'd see me, well, doing whatever it is you'd like to call it: running, walking, huffing, puffing, jogging like the fat person I am; and you would actually laugh. I just wish I could stick with it. I'm pretty consistent for, oh, 5 days and after that I take a good 3 week siesta. Disgraceful.

hair done today, hope it turns out well. Sis always does a great job. please dear lord let me make a ton of money tonight so I can pay some stuff off!!!

sun

What a fantastic night. Dinner and wine with the girls - girls who are just as screwed up and crazy as I am. Girls who don't have all the answers. Girls who have just as many (if not more) neurotic days as I do. But we laughed about it. I feel better about everything even though nothing has resolved itself. I spent 30$ that I don't have but it was worth it. I needed it for my sanity. I feel like I can talk to sis again. I feel like whatever hole I've been hiding in isn't as deep, and I can see streams of light. And even though there are still those dusty particles floating through the streams, there is the assurance of the sun, of warmth, of daybreak. what an interesting term - daybreak - night being broken, or shattered to reveal something better.

receptionist

I'm applying for a receptionist position today. I would work in the city building for adult probation. The people I would deal with - their lives are on hold. They're being watched and are waiting for permission to live without guidance. Interesting.

It started to snow today. Tiny, cold white dots chased me to the cafe on break in between court sessions today. I'm drinking a 1.18 cup of tea, pinching every penny eating a sandwich I made at home and avoiding driving as much as I can. Sadly, I must be on several different ends of town today. Long day. A third of it is done. A man is playing the guitar behind me - definitely talented - not obtrusive or too loud but warm and welcome. I am willing the snow to signal the start of new days. Days that are not marked by wanting or worry but frugality and peace. I must start acting like an adult. I will get a second job, start school in the fall instead of the spring so that I may have both feet firmly on the ground before I risk failing in school. I need to do well so that I may someday have a career and not a job. A life instead of an existence. Help me Lord, help me be better, keep up and stay ahead. Help me Lord to let the right people in.

I don't want to be afraid of my sister anymore. Don't let me hate her.

screw it

I'm so tired and so scared and so angry I just want to curl up in a ball and die. That's all I want. Leave me alone, forget I exist and don't ask me for help or if I'm ok or what's wrong. Everything's wrong. Go away.

lady

getting out of the car to pick me up. holding doors. paying. polite. telling me I look pretty tonight. didn't even make a move - just a hug. all very good things. exactly what girls should hear on dates...if that was in fact what it was...I can't be sure because that's not how it usually is. Movies and days of yore state that's what dates are...but do they still really exist?

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

what a week. ups, downs, highs, lows, hurt feelings, hours of laughter, liquor, turkey and cheesecake. things I'd like to forget and things I will always remember. Forever taken advantage of and always cared for. Someday, there will be much too much to be thankful for. As of now, I can only appreciate the basics. I'm ready to sleep but I'll leave a bit of a poem to ponder while I do...

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot?
The world forgetting , by the world forgot.
Eternal sun-shine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
'Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep';
Desires compos'd, affections ever even,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring Angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins Hymenaeals sing;
For her th'unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of Seraphs shed divine perfumes;
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.
-Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard" 1716

stupid

I hate today.

to do

• clean my apartment
• shave
• cry
• pay bills
• look for a job
• take care of everything
• mingle
• pray
• lose my mind
• return videos
• brush my teeth
• change the oil in my car
• pay library fines
• spend more time with grandparents
• cry some more
  

CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Sitting in Borders, drinking Peppermint Trio, reading magazines and listening to early Christmas music - it's NOVEMBER but I can't deny I love it. I don't want to go to work tonight. Had another impressive tiff with the infamous frenemy at work - peaks and valleys define our working relationship - I fear we have plummeted into a very deep valley...However, it is the Friday night before a home ND game which means we should be decently busy. Hope so, bills are starting to pile up. Just need to make it through November. That has become a mantra in sis and my household: "Just make it through _______" (insert appropriate month here) both of us assuming the next month will be easier, the income greater, the amounts going out smaller. However, I like to believe it makes us stronger and more resilient to whatever it is we face. We're "scrappy". Thanks mom and dad.
Alright, have many things to be done - even sitting here in Borders, tasks can and need to be completed:

finish grad school essay
write out Thanksgiving grocery list
find directions to Jess's
balance checkbook
...I'm dreaming of a white Christmas/just like the one's I used to know/Where the tree tops glisten and children listen/to hear sleighbells in the snow...

Oh procrastination

I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO WORK!!! working with all boys...no fun at all. must go get ready instead on tinkering with blogger! so fun though - must do more tonight!!! I love this scene, especially the sweater-ed dog.
xx
V

Where the Wild Things Are

No, I didn't see the movie yet and that is not what this post is about...I sit here in Saint Mary's library stealing their internet and sense of belonging to an academic world. I've decided to stop worrying about things. I want to fill my life with beauty and simple little moments of happiness. Rent will be paid. I will find a career someday. I will not always be single (and if I am, I will make the most of it - I will live like those amazing independent women that take trips to France and do whatever they want because they are only concerned with how their trip turns out). I will leave something meaningful behind in this world. I don't know how any of these things will be done, but they will. God's got me. He knows what's up. I just have to keep moving, keep breathing, keep working and keep taking these days; sitting by a window, looking at the bleak sky reminded of days in England or Maine in October. I have entered a place where wild things can happen. I am working right now to pay off debt and once that's done I can save for whatever may come next. I would love to see Venice or Sierra Leonne (sp?). I would love to buy a house somewhere and completely gut it to its frame and start over. I would love to take two weeks and do nothing but cook dinner, read books, and sit in a hammock and watch the sun set. We'll see. I may move to Oxford to get my Ph.D. in 2-3 years instead of 5-6 here in the states. I may open an inn or a bookstore and settle down in a tiny hamlet making enough to live happily. I may work at a restaurant for the rest of my life (God I hope not...). Magical things can happen, here's to opening my eyes.

Headache

Observed court, had lunch, may become admin assistant for new program through YWCA, consumed a billion sickly sweet calories and am doing everything I can to put off writing my essay for grad school applications (including this blog). I wish I were one of those people that led such fascinating lives that my blog was followed...I wish I had a life that anyone cared to follow. Yes, a silly boy here and there, my mom and dad, etc etc to the assumed characters interested, but no one that would care otherwise. AND it's gross out. Cold and windy and gray. I don't like this kind of fall/winter. I prefer all snow or the 60 degree November days we've been having recently. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I hope that by deciding to go to IUSB I'm not selling myself short, that I'm not taking the easy way out, that I'm doing less than I'm capable of. Although, I tried the "higher-ranked school" (Saint Mary's - sullied sister of Notre Dame) and got a terrible education but when I returned to GV I learned SO much more. It's the show, the name and the prestige that people recognize and are in awe of. I feel like I talk myself up to people and they expect me to do better and greater things (aka go to an ivy league, become a lawyer, lose weight and be healthy, form functional relationships with the opposite sex) but in reality I'm no more than ordinary, smart, yes, but I have no drive to go too far out of my comfort zone. Maybe it's the fear of failure or rejection or maybe the stories are just so much better than reality. I should be more honest, more frank. Such twittering and rambling does me no good expect to vent and procrasinate. I should write a book of procrastinations - it would be a bestseller I'm sure. Dinner with ladies tonight, should figure out thanksgiving as well since sis and I are hosting the event. Oh dear.

writing

I love to write. Everything about it. You can create and transmit the ideas in your head and heart onto paper (or computer screen) and erase as easily as they flowed out. It is what sets us apart, humans. we have multiple modes of communication and writing can be just for you or for thousands. If given the chance of an ideal career, I would be an author. I would want to be a great author though. Someone people will remember and study forever. I would never want to end up half-off or used as a door jam. Sure, I know that people use Dickens for door jams somewhere in the world but I would like to think they don't and wouldn't with one of my books.

I hope grad school is where I should be.

No thanks

Had a super fun night last night with sis, enjoyed a sappy romantic movie, ate some delicious food that took me a solid 3 hours to make, and slept a great restful sleep. Now - having woken up, made coffee and done the dishes, I know I should continue to clean for the dinner party tonight and then go for a run and then go volunteer but all I can muster is a polite, "No, thank you". So often I hate doing the things that will make me happy, make me feel better and improve the world around me. Why is that? Why do we shun responsibility and obligations that truly do benefit us physically and emotionally? Justification upon justification - let's see who wins today? Me, or my head...

Dreams and Memories

we talked until 2a.m. about everything and anything. memories. fears. opinions. arguments. no subject was left untouched. so many things we've done, seen, heard, said, felt, lost, and gained. our childhood was probably no more extraordinary than any other but it was ours. no one else could have realized or comprehended what we were talking about. our lives, our history, our memories. and the craziest part is neither of us could have possibly imagined or even conceived where we are today. our lives as adults wouldn't make sense to the children we were. for all we knew, we were going to live and die in the south. well, we lived, we left and we grew up. never never land - where you began.

spirit in the sky

I don't deal with rejection well. I am forever wanting people to like and think highly of me and when they don't, when they stop calling and when they walk away, I feel less; less than what I am, less than what they expected and less than I thought I could be. Less. It's not fair and it shouldn't determine how I look at the world or view myself but it's unavoidable. I suppose I could justify it by saying: "I'm young", "I'll learn to not care", and think they're not worth my time. My body is far, far from perfect, and that worries me. I feel as if I'm constantly judged and compared to other skinnier and prettier girls. Ugh, the insecurities of a young adult girl!!!! One hell of a first post.
I am a college graduate - magna cum laude to be exact. Top honors, minimal debt, great relationships with family and, well, I suppose that's it. I don't exactly know what I am going to do with my life. Lawyer? Innkeeper? Server? Professor? I haven't the foggiest. I am rambling now because as I understand it, that's what blogs are for: sharing thoughts or simply venting without stressing the fingers and hands that would normally be writing in a diary. This is also much more public which is something I'm not sure how I feel about just yet. Maybe I'm doing this because I want to see what I've got. I want to see what I will write. I want to see if it's any good. I doubt it, but I often surprise myself. I begin with the lowest of expectations and honestly, am rarely surprised by what I find but maybe, just maybe, this time will be different...