Monday, December 21, 2009

solitaire - not the game

I feel like such a terrible cliche. I'm a struggling graduate who decides to go back to school to not only push back loans, but to figure out what I'm to do with my life. And as much as I say it out loud and as much as my dear mother tells me it will all be fine, there is always help to be had, I still worry. I can't seem to not worry. I write numbers and dates and deadlines like some sort of schizophrenic or that deranged character Jim Carey played in "23". Except for it all adding up or dividing down or multiply to the number 23, mine all points to DEBT. But, all I can keep telling myself is it's just this month - this transition period - THE HOLIDAYS. I'm going ice-skating tomorrow with the girls and their boys. I would like a boy - J has decided to move here (that's right Mom, he texted me tonight). Who knows what will happen there - I've decided to be open to all things. But we'll see.

I have to work in the morning and a great many errands after - thank God I'm not sick like I thought I would be today! Sis told me tonight she's going to want to sign another year - I don't know how I feel about that. Really good but do I want to live with a ghost for another year cherishing the hour a week that we hang out? I suppose it could be worse - I could be twice what I'm paying now to live alone or live with someone I hate.

"this is not like home"

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