Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Terrible Thoughts

I feel like a terrible person. Have you ever had those weeks, or days, or mornings, or even five minutes here and there when you hate everything, everyone and every fiber of your own being that you would rather implode and disappear than carry on with even one more breath? Apologies for the weight of this post but writing this out might alleviate this pressure on my chest.

I took Roxy for a walk when I got home. She peed and it was a good walk. Then we came home and I ate a wedge salad and a couple avocado egg rolls. Nothing to write home about, I ate quicker than I usually do because I was famished, but then did some free writing and Sex and the City watching for an hour to let it settle. I wanted to go for a run before the sun set. So at 5:30, we set out. She was eager and tugged with huge strength almost immediately. As soon as we got to the trail about 5 minutes in, I knew I wasn't going to do very well. The food, what I thought was little, instantly felt like the bulk and weight of a bowling ball in my gut. But Roxy, having been at home alone for no more than 5 hours today, was full of energy and was not pleased to be made to walk instead of run every 3 minutes or so.

And every time we did speed up into a jog, she pulled even harder. Although I knew she wasn't at all thinking about it or meaning to, I felt like I was being punished - punished for leaving her, punished for not providing a yard for her, punished for not playing as much with her, punished for not setting up the pee-pad my mother bought for her. I resented her energy and youth and 0% body fat. I was hating my dog because I was hating myself and my terrible stamina.

And of course, once you allow your mind to be irrational and succumb to the waves of depression and depths of self-esteem, all things that have been kept at bay and stressing me out began to surface. I sunk lower as my demons climbed higher. I wanted a bottle of wine or a drug or a club over my head.

So, I'm trying to remember all the things that I have to be grateful for. I can do this. I can teach Roxy to run and walk better. I will be ok going to work. Roxy will be ok with me going to work. All my things and responsibilities and obligations will work themselves out. I will work them out.

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