Heavy Clouds

So tired today. It was like I was under a constant weighted cloud all day. It was a stupid-slow day at work and all I wanted to do was sleep and write. Unluckily, the computer there blocks all the fun sites - like blogspot.com... So I waited until now. Most of my inspiration is gone and customers keep trickling in. I can't wait to have many days next week off. It won't seem real but I definitely am looking forward to it. J and I were planning on running to Chicago for the night but remembering the cold and our lack or willingness to brave it I think we'll be pulling a few movie marathons. Maybe Mom will be up for an IKEA trip though...
The gym is calling my name, I feel so much better after. Anything to pull me out of these winter doldrums. Glad it's going to be an early night though. Home by 9, bed by 1030 if I'm lucky. Time to find some fun recipes to cook over break and set aside at least a few hours by myself at home or elsewhere truly giving it a go at writing. I also plan on working my way through "The Artist's Way" as my creativity goal for 2011. I'm taking a writing class as well so perhaps I'll become a fount of words this time next year. A jewelry class was also suggested...Weird. All this writing is like a trip to the gym. I wake up, my mood elevates and I am inspired to do so much more. What inspires you? (lame, I know, but that's a question that will always endure)

death

my grandmother died last night.


it shook me like I didn't think was possible. Sis and I have only ever experienced death when her husband, our grandfather, died 10 years ago. We were too young to grasp the volatile nature of life and death. Now, it's someone we know. Someone that won't open their eyes or speak another word ever again - or at least until the next chapter of this thing we call life.


going to make a very long drive. i would assume we would reminisce and think back on all our fond memories of her but right now I can't think of anything. I was 11 when we moved away and never really went back for holidays or anything special. she stopped calling to say happy birthday when I was 15 or so. I never called her on her birthday.


sis and i found really great dresses for the funeral though. shallow though it may be, these people haven't seen me since I was an overweight, awkward teenager. still overweight but I'd like to think I'm not nearly as awkward.


it doesn't feel real that we'll be four states down in 30 hours or so. at least we'll be out of the cold for a day.


why does everything happen at once?


i guess i should start preparing what i'll say about my life. it isn't much but it will be more than they've heard in a while. all our stories will be.

Left Behind

Why I am being left behind so much recently? I hate it. I'm the one that is supposed to go, travel, visit, depart, LEAVE, not you! I want to go to Chicago. I want to go to Ann Arbor. I want to go to a fucking movie! It's not fair you get to go! You didn't earn it! You don't deserve that freedom! I DO!


But I don't. I did this to myself. I obligated myself to another second job. Why is it so hard? Why is life so expensive? Why can't I just have one job? Everyone else around me does - I'm literally the only person I can think of that works as much as I do. I hate it, I really do. I quit UK because I started hating the people enjoying omelets on Sundays and I had to work. NOW, I'm hating anyone that isn't sitting behind a desk (and sometimes even them too because they don't have another job to go to once they've clocked out of that one). I hate people in stores, in cars, at restaurants, in bars, standing on street corners holding a sign, my sister making crafts all day and getting a massage. I'm filled with hate, my account balances are higher than they've been but where's the fucking joy? Why did I leave one job to have more freedom only to immediately jump into another? Money? Seriously? I don't need it!

So, obvious answer, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Sis and I are going to go to UK tomorrow for breakfast and I'm going to take away Saturdays and Wednesdays from my availability. I'll work Sundays, Thursdays and Fridays. That's more than enough. I will have every Tuesday/Wednesday night off and all day Saturday. It will restore my sanity and affect my wallet in no significant way.

I will try my hand at jewelry.
I will write everyday.
I will become healthier.

I will have the time.

A little bit of Everything.

Finally Friday. Another 3+ hours of work and a much dreaded/needed visit to the gym. It's literally been weeks - just couldn't muster the energy. BUT THEN - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1!! Pretty excited even though I can't for the life of me remember what the last book was all about...hope to catch on soon enough. Quiet night at the store, blessing after an annoying day at the spa. She just can't ever let up. Always picking at something. It must mean I am always learning something - that's the hope anyway. It's cold again. Brr...
Looking forward to Saturday evening. I think I'd like to go out to dinner and get a nice bottle of wine. That sounds pleasant and relaxing (even though I should solely be devoting my time and energy to my paper..it will get done..it always does). Would it be wrong to avoid the gym until after the holidays and I revert back to only 1 time- and energy-consuming job? No, I must go. 30 minutes will not take long, 30 minutes in fact. More later.

My Corner.

I'm in my little corner. It's an awkward position - it's on my kitchen counter, leaning on the cabinets, feet propped against the fridge. But right now, it's my corner. I'm not working in my corner. I'm not being a sister/daughter/girlfriend in my corner. I'm not studying in my corner. I'm not budgeting in my corner. I am being in my corner. The world is around me but I am separate from it.


I'm not truly separate. I can still hear the washer washing my clothes that I will need to put in the dryer in 10-20. I can hear Jamie coming through the door. My back hurts from working all morning. I have the residue of emotion from the long, intense conversation I had tonight. I have to deal. But I really just want to stay in this corner.

Staycation v. Vacation

Red and white lights on the lightposts outside. It must be the holidays. 3 jobs. Dear oh dear. Tomorrow will be my 17th day in a row between the three and the next one scheduled off happens to be Thanksgiving - another 15 days away making is a solid 32 in a row. I'm doing ok though, no hallucinations or fits of narcolepsy yet. No time to exercise or cook for fun though. I think I should go somewhere in January - before school starts or the weekend of the first week of class if that's possible...where though? I wish somewhere warm wasn't hundreds of dollars and hours away. Maybe a staycation is what I need. Hole up post-holidays, eat leftovers, sleep and write for a few days. I'll need to buy a robe... Or I can just use some of all of this money I'm making working myself to death to just hop a plane solo and hide out on some beach somewhere for 2 days, eat tropical fruit, sleep and write. That's a nice thought. I'll still need a robe...

possibly my last Sunday at the t-shirt shop. my last opportunity to get paid to write a paper - trying to take advantage of it. I can't focus on writing for school when there are customers in the store so I choose to blog. It's a good thing I'm quitting - because for a while, every time someone messes up a shirt without any intention of buying it, I literally get offended and incensed at their non-committal consumerism. I have the evening to myself. I think I'll play some jazz, clean and finish studying. It's been a helluva week/end. I'm ready for it to calm down...unlike the store right now.

Passwords and Possibilities

It's a lot harder than you'd think to type in your password on blogger after half a bottle of wine and another glass at home...and they make it even harder after you've tried and failed to type in your password to enter the screwed up letters that are supposed to prevent internet robots from accessing your account but does an equally good job at preventing buzzed girls from writing funny posts...I don't want to be the girl that gets stuck in a town always talking about how she's got to leave it. Any suggestions for future adventures?

early

Ready for work early. My brain hasn't yet turned on. Ate some powerfood, eggs and cottage cheese and excited to drink my coffee and mango from Seattle. Yesterday was full of good and bad and I have a feeling today might be the same. I'm grateful for the balance but sometimes wish I could leave off the struggles. It helps having a great family and a great boyfriend who support me - offer to get coffee and talk or stop by on their way home just to give me a hug.

I have such a need to be more creative. I feel like I need to produce something - put it out there. I haven't written in months. Maybe I should try again, or try something new. Hm.

Hope you all have a beautiful day. I hope to.

Rain rain go away, come again another day.

The dreary weather is doing nothing for me right now except make me want to crawl back into bed. I have formed this very annoying habit of waking up between the hours of 4:15-5:30 am every. single. morning. Sometimes a toothache, sometimes thirsty, sometimes no reason at all but if for some reason you need me at 5 in the morning, I'll be awake. Count on it. Which means I will actually and truly be crawling back into bed when I get off work today at 4. A record early finish for me on a Saturday (unless of course Jon calls me to cater...money would be nice). But I'm hoping he doesn't. I would like to get into my pjs, put in a movie, sort through my clothes slowly and deliberatly and begin packing for Seattle because, after all, we are flying out in a week. Maybe today's rain is preparing me for our vacation. I wouldn't mind. I would be perfectly content to sit by a fire somewhere with a coffee and a book. Here's to vacation. Here's to getting off early. Here's to the rain.

escape

i am planning my escape. i stand here working at the t-shirt shop literally hating every minute of it. i hate the people that walk in. i hate the shirts i'm folding. and i'm really, really not a big fan of this town. so, instead of dwelling in hatred, i'm going to plan my way out. i plan everything else why can't i plan this? i need a deadline - how about no sooner than 1 year from now (for ample preparation) and no more than 2 years from now (to not let myself get sucked into something else i can't leave). August 22nd 2011-2012 i'll be gone. finito. vanish. i'll need a new house, a new job and and a new city. i think it should be a city. the bigger it is the more options i have to get work and enjoy what i'm doing. i believe that my discontent experienced in the restaurant and now in the t-shirt shop is just a sign that this is not what i'm meant to do for the rest of my life. or even the rest of my 20's. every shirt i fold and every appointment i book or bed i make i will from this point forward consider it preparation and pennies earned to be put towards my departure. so if customers ask inanely stupid questions - that's ok. if i can't honestly go for 2 hours a day without getting a text or phone call from the spa asking me how to do something or to pick something up or yet ANOTHER idea or goal that i must research and complete, then you know what? that's ok, too. it's all making me appreciate my future contentment. i have no particular place picked out or job or home but it isn't here. i'm open to suggestions but know that i will not be here forever. i will very soon leave. day 1 starts now, 364-729 to go.

Thirsty

Greetings all. It has been weeks since my last post - much has happened and much is yet to happen. I woke up this morning at 6:11am to help H take coffee to a bride and her party and instead of going back to bed like I thought I would last night, I went home and went for a walk. It was a beautiful warm morning and for half of it, I turned off my iPod and prayed. I haven't prayed as regularly as I used to - maybe 4-5 times a week anymore but as soon as I did I felt better. It was a simple prayer, something along the lines of "Hey, God, how are ya? Thank you for everything, guide me and use me as you will". And then, I finished my walk, showered and went to Panera. I thought I would write, budget, research vacation spots but again I was surprised. I downloaded one of Mars Hill's podcasts and listened to Rob Bell's most recent sermons. A minute in, hearing his voice, and listening to scripture read was like finding the sought-after oasis in a desert. My soul was thirsty. I hope not to sound trite in this blog but I have been so busy, so worried about so many things and people and relationships and money that I have depleted my soul and body from the necessary. I drank deeply today and feel as if I might burst from the blessings and health, physically and spiritually that I now can see and feel that I couldn't before. I hope you find your water, the salve for your wounds and the nutrients needed so that you may find the greatest possible happiness in this short time we have here. I find it comforting to know that no matter where I go in life, how far away I may stray and stumble around in the darkness, I will always have that door, that entry into light that will never go away and never disappear. He will always be there waiting.

In another life...

If I had five choices for an alternate life I would be:


1. a writer

2. a jewelry designer

3. an heiress

4. an inn keeper

5. a chef

Three of these things I considered and even went to school for. The others are merely dreams.
I want(ed) to write to tell a story - put something out into the world so that my voice is heard and is not so easily lost. You see, I fear my own disappearance.
I have a very favorite tv show that I watched with my mom during my formative years - a show about a mother and daughter with the closest relationship you could ever imagine. The wildly independent mother owned an inn. Her life seemed idyllic.
I wanted to be a chef for nearly a decade - since I was 8. I love the presentation, the chemistry of flavor combinations, temperature effects, and new beginnings and potential every time you chop an onion or debone a chicken. It was the behind the scenes magic that drew me in.
I love jewelry. I love that in every nation and people group whether it be in the depths of the Amazon or the high court in England, the women adorn themselves with trinkets and jewels like so many birds that change colors during different seasons. I would love to produce hammered metal earrings, organic bead necklaces, wide leather cuffs, floral broaches and glittering rings.
As for being an heiress, I would love the freedom to travel, explore, eat, pray and be. I would love to be rid of the restraints of work and obligations and time dedicated to other things. This is my most selfish dream. A dream of freedom and carelessness. Do not think I am unwise to think it would be a cakewalk. Rich people have their problems too. But to travel, to release the monetary worries from my life I would have so much more time to think, to create, to pray.

My reality is that (with the exception of the heiress) I could have any of these things. I'm in limbo, a liminal space that is neither here nor there. I have a job but I don't believe it is my calling. I have an education but I'm not sure how that will play into what I will end up doing. Maybe I'll become all - portion out my life in segments where each dream can be realized, expereinces gleaned from them and left behind to seek out new opportunities and new lessons. I am still young. But I won't be young forever. Day by day but always looking toward the future.

Productive

Good morning! A new week has begun and here's to the possibilities. Trying to please. Trying to get it all done again. Vacation need to be worked out soon...I should do that today. Oh how I wish the sun would come out. It would make me want to be so much more productive. I was crazy productive yesterday and it felt so good to be in my apartment. I'm glad Mom is home. I wish you all a wonderful week with bright possibilities!

Coming forth.

What a weekend. I cannot believe how busy I was and that I am not at any moment about to pass out. I made it through. Don't think I'll do that again. I can work two jobs - but both of those jobs are done by 9pm - not midnight and later. Catering is great money, hell, SERVING is great money (J made 700 dollars last night in one shift, no, I'm not bitter). Even so, I prefer my sanity, morality, peace and balance. It is toxic there and the only reason I agreed to work for him is that it was off-site. Safe zone.

I have a great many things to do today. Groceries, laundry, cleaning, unpacking from housesitting. Mom and Hil return tomorrow. No more Chuck-watch. I'm ready to be home. I miss my apartment. I miss home. I want to sleep there, eat there, be there. I've missed my morning pages all weekend because I've been elsewhere, doing other things. It's been crazy. Hopefully worth it.

T-minus one hour and twenty two minutes until my day and a half off begins. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my time. I really feel selfish and want to spend it alone. I know that won't happen but how I wish it would.

I think I may try to write today/tonight. See what comes forth...?

new book

This new book I'm reading is amazing. Thank you, E. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel less lost, less alone in my confusion about my purpose. I am very excited about tonight - getting off at 8, running home to walk chuck for a block and running on the treadmill for a while to a movie. Some kind of healthy dinner to follow - maybe I'll cook some quinoa...so delicious. Work again all day tomorrow, let there be sun.

Hmmm

Well, it's Friday, I survived my first real, full week of both jobs without school. I still work tomorrow and Sunday but I feel good. I'm not exhausted, I'm in a good (well, sort of) mood, and am looking forward to the weekend. It's been a stormy, rainy day and these days I feel the most alive, the most creative. It's like the elements and weather are exhibiting their strength and power. The sky turned this murky, dark green today right before the clouds broke and let loose thousands of gallons of rain. The lightning struck and the thunder cracked and I was in heaven. My new goal for this summer is to write as if no one is reading. I want to open up and pour forth my thoughts and musings like the clouds did today with the rain. I'm sure there will be flooding of tears, maybe a few strikes of lightning even though I doubt mine will cause such a reaction as a call of thunder. Let's see what the summer will bring - let's see.

Breezy Sunday

Sometimes I really want to be a writer. I think I am just that selfish and lazy to think that I could potentially (attempt) to earn a living typing away at my laptop. Thousands, millions even have done it. Why can't I? Well...because my life and stories and thoughts aren't that intersting. Many times I bore myself. I picked up the phone and started texting and calling about ten different people to hang out last night. I hung up or erased the text every time because 1.) I should have been studying 2.) I was tired and 3.) because I couldn't think of anyone that wouldn't be doing something else already on a Saturday night. So I went home. I made dinner, watched the rain and hung out with Chuck. I don't even think he enjoyed my company as much as he would have if I were my Mom. What do I have to say that people would want to not only read, but PAY to read? I can't even bring myself to finish this term paper that's due in 72 hours. I am seriously considering turning it in half-completed and embracing the idea that I don't care to be a 4.0 student anymore. What does it matter? I'm booking appointments and folding t-shirts right now. This is not where I thought my life would end up and if I knew that it really didn't matter that I got near perfect grades in school I definitely would not have tried so hard. Because really, what DOES it matter? I'm just in a funk. I can't even appreciate the amazingly productive morning I had. Most Sundays I get up late, rush around, go to church exhausted and come to work. This morning, I got up at 830, hung out with Chuck, packed up stuff from Mom's to do laundry, did laundry, cleaned the apartment, went to the bank, at a healthy(ish) breakfast and came to work. That's productive! Oh well, I just need to be content with where I am. I really don't want to go to IUSB this fall. I really really don't.

Wanderlust and Warts

mmmmmmazing pedicure tonight - except she made me think I had a wart (which I don't) and realize I need to get these WAY more often. SO nice.

Tomorrow morning is my last day of class. I have a paper due next week but really, I'm pretty much sure I don't care about it at all. I'm going to do well, and work really hard at making it an A-paper but tonight, at work, with no reading, no articles, journals, discussion questions or serious papers to write - I LOVED it. I really really did and I'm really really nervous that I won't want to go back in the fall. I know I should and I'm about 93% positive I will, but summer is going to be awesome SO ya, just need to talk to loan officials, maybe even start conversing with publishing houses - see if its even necessary. I do finally feel like LIG has accepted my new position there. So that's good.

Mom, I want to go flea marketing - not antiquing but go buy some S*** that's really cheap but awesome.

Speaking of madre - she's leaving on a trip with my dad and I don't know if she really remembers or not but the last couple of times she went, on the phone and when she got back (with the exception of missing her umbilically-attached dog) she loved every minute. I get my wanderlust from her. Wander away, Mom. Enjoy yourself.

Green with Envy

It's Sunday, I have almost made it through the weekend. Two papers down, one difficult draft to go. I have no doubt I'll be able to wrap that puppy up tonight. And now, our strange South Bend weather began with sun streaking through clouds, after church it was a chilly rain, and as I write this the sun is doing its best to peak through again. I suddenly realize that I write about the weather a lot in this blog. I suppose because it affects my mood so much. When it's nice out and warm I feel like an entirely different person, more productive and optimistic. When its cold - leave me alone. I can go either way with the rain, depends on if it gave me a headache.

Breakfast with Mom after church is so great. We usually have about 23 minutes before I have to go to work depending on when we each get to Panera. But it's a good thing. It's connection that I think we need, even if its 20 minutes. Thanks mom.

Final thought, I have this thing about me. It's an extreme tendency to be jealous of people. I don't know if its because we struggled growing up, if I read too many books about people with amazing lives or if I just work too much. But most days, when I'm at work, whether I'm folding t-shirts, booking appointments, serving omelets or babysitting I envy anyone and everyone that I see during the course of my day. I envied the people sitting at my table as I filled their coffee. I envy the couple walking around H. Square just having the time to browse through a store, or the middle aged woman who has the time and money to come in on a Tuesday afternoon once a month to get a facial and a massage. I envy them their time. I envy them their money. I envy them their freedom to BE. I know that they also have responsibilities and things to do and places to be. I know that there are many many times when I go out and shop in stores and eat in restaurants and, well, I don't get massages or facials but I will soon (with my employee discount) but maybe this is just teaching me to be content. A lesson to keep working, keep moving towards a life when I can go to a restaurant and not worry about the paper that is due, the store that needs to be opened or the debt that needs to be tackled. I will work towards and save for that day. I know it will happen for me. I know I will have a career and a house and a life. I will.

Look, the sun is shining again...

Morning Coffee and Paper Writing

Bringing my laptop to work is the best idea I've ever had. Only wish I'd thought of it before 2 weeks before the end of the semester...Oh well, now is when it counts. Drinking delicious Panera coffee, watching the rainy gray sky and eternally perturbed by unruly children making a mess of the store. Do not want any of those monsters for a great long while, if ever.
I have the shopping bug, hate it. I'm being very good though, definitely conserving my funds until things are paid, savings is established and school is over. Oh I cannot wait for it to be over! Soon V, soon!! Alright. Must work for the next hour and nineteen minutes until Ashley gets in guaranteeing a distraction.
Have a wonderful weekend!!

Good Night

Ugh, so full, so tired, so unmotivated. Get me up early to go to work, work out, run errands, clean, whatever! Just don't make me do school anymore! I can't even bring myself to open a blank document! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Good Morning Pt. 2!

Well, this week has trained my body to sleep no later than 7:30 even though I don't work until 10 today. That's fine with me though, I got to work out this morning, see the sunrise and take this picture. I don't think I'll ever forget my Mom describing flowering trees and plants in the beginning of summer with the sound effect: "pop, pop pop pop!" These flowers are "popping" and made me so happy this morning. I hope you have a great weekend! Pray I am able to do all I need to for school today and tomorrow. I'm nervous.

Good Morning!

It's rainy and gray outside. I love it because its a spring rainy-gray. Not winter rainy-gray. Yoga started my morning, I think I prefer running/walking but the yoga works my muscles and strength...maybe alternate days. off to my second full day alone! It's great, I love it. God plopped this in my lap and I can't wait to see what will come out of it!
My hair keeps falling in my coffee. My bangs are now coffee-length. Well, at least I'll be smelling Cinnabon all day... I think I need a new frying pan, I'm pretty sure the teflon or whatever it is on there is now gone so all my eggs taste like metal...gross.
Now, I'm just rambling because in 15 min I'll be sitting at a desk answering the phone soothingly emitting a sense of well-being and peace. Namaste.

It is a beautiful morning. It is brisk but the sun is eagerly shining and seemingly promises to bring warmth as the day progresses on. I work all day and not too sure what I'm doing tonight. I was up very late studying, got a great deal done too, but fear I may become very tired as the day goes on...
I have this shift, and Sunday morning and night to finish my school before class on Monday. I accomplished about 75% of the huge project due Monday so that's good. Just have to read some articles to discuss and scramble at the next "grad seminar". Don't want to do that. SO I will try to read and get those set in my mind so I'm not left without anything to say...

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I will leave you with my favorite poem bt e.e. cummings:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Nap

Sitting at Borders, waiting for my car to have its belt replaced, studying, getting many things done and plotting out the fastest way to crawl into my comfy bed to take a nap before work...A great many things are changing - or about to change. I finish school in 3 weeks. FINALLY. I have several books to read, a bibliography, dozens of articles, a 12-15 page paper for one class, a 10 page in another, and a presentation. I'm sure there are many other things I need to do, journals, discussion questions, forum postings etc but I feel productive enough for this morning, I think an hour nap is in order. Besides, I'm allergy-ey and can barely keep my eyes open. It is definitely spring. Warm air even though its cloudy and rainy. I love it. Another thing that will change is I think I have to go back to UK. My pride is screaming at me not to but my desire for stability and freedom from debt is screaming louder. I just need to be quiet when I am there. Be a completely different person than I was there at first. I need no attitude. Oh dear God let me be able to do this!!!
!!

i don't want to be alone.

New Day...Again

It is so cold outside, and the frigid wind is blowing at all sides! The only thing I could do was take off the sleeve of my very hot coffee to warm my hands in my equally cold store while I wait for it to warm up (definitely pushed it higher than the bosses would like but it's freezing!). Very much hope this cold snap will turn around and be pleasant again. These flowers are always the first I see in the spring and even though this isn't my picture and I have yet to see these this year - this picture gives me hope! I'm ready for a new season, ready for a lot of new things. It is a new day, cold though it may be. I am free to be new again. Apparently, I must also consider this a good opportunity for a new start to my diet/exercise regimine...wish me luck!

Today

I am bound and determined to get it all done today. Seriously. Wish me luck.

better

I better lose weight, I feel like crap. My body feels like its been run through that scary villain-killing machine that was ever so popular in the 90's - you know the one where two wheel like things are turning inwards together and the person gets sucked into it and crunched into a million pieces? Yep, I went through, poor villains. Upside though, FiberOne Caramel Crunch tastes exactly like Cinnamon Toast Crunch - LOVE IT! It's 11:04, I work in 3 hours, I want to do so much, I still can, just need to start.
1. Clean out car
2. Fold and put away laundry
3. Load dishwasher
4. Begin new paper
5. Revise old paper (stupid B)
6. Read vague and difficult p.c. article
7. Shower

I would like nothing more than to go somewhere, eat a lovely scone, drink a mocha and stare outside. Damn diet, school, job, house. I suppose I will someday get all these things done, become a lithe, thin super model and then be able to stare out the window.

Happy!!

What to do with a day off work... leave town! Grand rapids was calling my name and I haven't been back in so long. I missed it here. This is my space, my arena and familiar ground. It is a place that was all my own. Not my mom's, sister's, dad's, boyfriend's, friend's or co-workers. This is mine. I was going to hide out on campus today and study for hours until my night class but if I did that I would have worked out for an hour then showered for an hour and gotten food and probably ran into K or someone else I knew so this way, I'm exerting the same amount of time spent not studying driving and the same dedicated time studying. I cleared my head on the drive and it is such a beautiful sunny day that to be cooped up in a library just seemed wrong. So I'm in the Sparrow Cafe here in Easttown drinking tea, listening to music and getting it all done. The sun is shining in on me and my spirits are lifted. God helped me so much with money and school and work that I have no reason to be unhappy. So here I am, happy! I wish you happiness too.
V

Oh Ben, dear Jerry.

Really great day at work, saw some old friends (they look older too, time never stands still does it?), ate a piece of gifted pizza, and an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. I wouldn't dare justify my incredibly sloth-like behavior today also having not gone to the gym, but it was frozen yogurt and not the traditional B&J's. So, instead of consuming the 1500 calories a normal pint has, I only had 720 (Oh dear Lord). I love listening to good music and sliding into clean sheets. IceFest is tomorrow, can't wait to see the carvings! But, must go to bed as I am needing to get up extra early so that I can get to the bank before work at 10. Maybe a workout before? Am I that ambitious?
Have a great weekend everyone!
Me

new start

ok mom, so, yes, a lot of my posts are depressing. Not too many of them have a sense of hope or jubilation or glee. Admittedly, most of the time when I blog, I'm venting, writing out what's freaking me out or letting loose the problems that are running around in my head like a freaking chihuahua on speed. However, good things happen, I am happy most days. I'm just a youth, an infant on the grand scheme of things and I'm learning, I have so much that I pile upon myself that I feel like I'm acting more of a grown-up and stressed-out person than I really am. So, a little late but new year's resolution: be more positive. I want to be a pleasant person to be around. I know I am at work, it's hard not to be. I could be more optimistic with H. but because she's part of my home space she witnesses some of my home freakouts (and I think she's alright with that, hope so anyway). I vent to you, Mom, about money because of anyone I feel like you get that stress. But, like I said, good things happen.

Good things (and in no particular order):

1. Loan - it is scheduled to be disbursed as early as tomorrow. I have the opportunity to pay things off and breath easier when my job doesn't cut it.

2. Job - it is a good thing. My bosses are amazing and it's easy as pie. Even if I'm making less than half of what I made at UK, I do not have the stress of food and incompetent bosses and dramatic coworkers.

3. J. - He's nice to have around sometimes.

4. Living with H. in an amazing apartment - we do have a beautiful home. I love to clean it and the fact that I can do laundry anytime I want and a dishwasher and my own bathroom and close to work. Living with H. is the best, can't remember the last time we fought and she's not often there so I have my alone time. When she is there and it's "sister time" I couldn't be happier. She's great to catch up with.

5. School - Well, I hope to learn something. It's early yet but at least I can say I am making steady progress towards my goal of having a career and not just a job.

6. Vacations (however short) with Mom.

7. The fact that Saint Mary's is still living up to my expectation of the dumbest school in the midwest by still allowing me, 2 years since having taken a class or paid them a dime, to use their gym and library and internet and parking.

8. My dear, dear friends E. and K. They make me very happy at least once a week.

9. The idea that this is the start of a new year. The page is blank, the road is long and the world is my proverbial oyster. I have confidence that I will fit into a routine. I want that so badly. School, work, rinse and repeat. The snow will melt, the sky will color blue leaving the gray. The money will always come and go but my ability to use it wisely will strengthen. My communication skills will improve. My waist WILL shrink. (Not this week though, will still exercise but I can't be held responsible for what I eat...) I will travel far again. I will see other places beyond my front door. I am built to travel and forever full of wanderlust.

Enough, enough now. Too many good things. I must return to studying so that I can get to bed at a decent hour thereby adhering to my coveted routine!

Bon nuit, a tout a l'heure!

escape

"Please, remember me/Happily/By the rosebush laughing/With bruises on my chin/The time when/We counted every black car passing/Your house beneath the hill/And up until/Someone caught us in the kitchen/With maps, a mountain range,/A piggy bank/A vision too removed to mention"

Iron & Wine "Trapeze Swinger" lyrics - one of my favorite bands of all time. I want to be remembered happily. I want to make grand plans to escape and have a "vision" that is removed from possibility. I'm tired. Disenchanted and disillusioned is all I can muster. I am not enchanted and all illusions are now transparent. I do not belong in the service industry. I do not belong in retail. I either belong in school forever teaching and learning or in an inn, where I can give comfort to those staying but assuredly leaving and say what goes. I want control. I want definition. I want a normal sleep schedule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to be alone. When I am alone and say I wish I had someone, I don't think I really mean it or if I do, I didn't mean this. I am so tired of talking and figuring out and working 7 days a week to make half of what I did. Integrity yes, but it's exhausting. I love that I'm working out now and feel like I have drive to do that. School is going to be and already is great. Just let me go to school and exercise. I don't need to do anything else. I'm just an impatient person. (and clearly a rambling person too). I wish the money would get here, I wish my career would get here, I wish my perfect body would get here, I wish God would get here and I would meet him. I feel like crying. I feel like running away. I always feel like running away. Will I ever want to stay? Keep moving V, keep going. I will become healthy, I will get out of debt, I will get my masters and Ph.D. and find a career. I will find someone that will make me happy and I will find someone that I am equally into. Please, please remember me V. Remember this unhapppy person when you spend more than you have. When you find a job. When you find a man. When you find God. Remember me so that you are no longer me. Remember me.

"Please, remember me/Finally/And all my uphill clawing/My dear/But if I make/The pearly gates/Do my best to make a drawing/Of G-d and Lucifer/A boy and girl/An angel kissin on a sinner/A monkey and a man/A marching band/All around the frightened trapeze swingers"

money, magazines, and more

more than I expected. I got WAY more than I ever expected. Thanks God. I really hope it works out like I think it will.

I love reading magazines as much as I hate it. Everything is so glossy and perfect and unreal. I am literally rereading this and that statement really is as vapid as it sounds...Things are super inspiring - weight loss guides, diets, quick tricks, dresses, shoes, makeup and vacation hot-spots. It's all so glamorous and easy and beautiful. If only real life were like __________ (fill in the blank). Things are awesome for me though. The boy is out, the money is coming in, job is going great and, well, I'm not losing weight or really making an effort at all even though I KNOW I should, seriously, it can't be that hard. I am getting a belly, well, the belly that I already clearly had is expanding at an exponential rate... Like I always say, tomorrow.

Boys are stupid though, (sorry dad) but I hope that like Bridgit Jones says, one day men will be like house pets - kept to comfort and amuse but beyond that, they have no voice, no rights, and they sleep on the floor...

foul mood. please let it get better.